Life is a hibachi and then you die of shame because your plate is a failure

They are the top six vying for a spot in tomorrow’s immunity challenge, the winner of which will progress, through the inviolable sanctity of mathematics, into the top five. Today’s challenge is specifically designed to confuse everyone so much that they forget how to cook.

Give up the top six, all of you!

Give up the top six, all of you! Photo: Supplied

A wall has been erected in the center of the kitchen, much like the one that once split Berlin in two. And just like that wall, this one spells death for anyone who tries to escape to the other side. The six cooks are separated into three teams of two. Each pair must enter two pantries at the same time and choose two ingredients each, without knowing what the other is doing. They must then use all four ingredients in a dish, competing against the other person in their pair. This means Dan vs. Sarah, Alvin vs. Keyma, and Julie vs. Billie, with each couple’s winning dish advancing to the immunity challenge.

Do you understand all that? If not, hard boobs, let’s go.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. Photo: Supplied

Julie and Billie go into their pantries. They stay there for several weeks. Together they have gathered lemon, garlic, prawns and star anise: each woman’s strategy of mutually assured destruction is paying off, as neither will be able to do anything remotely good now.

Alvin and Keyma spend a month or so in the pantry, coming out with fish sauce, chili paste, habanero peppers, and plantains, which means they’ll both have to cook up something lethal to humans.

Finally, Sarah and Dan walk into the pantry and come out with a deeper understanding of themselves and their bodies. Dan chooses fermented tofu only to be off-putting, as well as a huge piece of steak. Sarah picks onions and asparagus, which she uses at the Indian restaurant she might remember she has.

The cooks have only 60 minutes, which further increases the chance of something terrible happening. Alvin doesn’t have a dish in mind, so he carefully slices the banana, hoping it will be enough, as he remembers that the winning dish in the season 2 finale was a sliced ​​banana dish with tomato sauce. Keyma is more focused: she’s going to make plantain steaks, which are just like real steaks, except no one wants to eat them.

Suddenly, Alvin has a breakthrough. “It’s not an unripe banana!” he cries, with the joy of epiphany. Melissa shows up to ask him what the hell he’s playing at. She declares that she will make sure that her plate takes out Keyma, vigorously stuffing the banana with gunpowder.

Jock asks Sarah what she’s up to. She is making an asparagus dish, to express her hatred for humanity. “I feel like Daniel is going to make a big, beautiful rib eye steak,” she says, bile rising in her throat at the thought. Sarah is up to something MUCH more refined, but Dan tries to stop her by releasing a huge cloud of smoke, which blinds everyone and ruins all the dishes at once.

Billie is doing shrimp vol-au-vents, which requires making a rough puff pastry, which normally takes over sixty minutes, but Billie has been at MasterChef long enough to know that the best thing to do in any situation is give yourself enough time to complete the task of her: the judges are always impressed by reckless poor planning.

Speaking of not enough time, Dan thinks he has his steak just in time to be done at the end of cooking, but it will be easy given that he selected a cut of meat that is actually made from several individual cows stapled together. . There’s definitely a risk that if it’s not cooked all the way through, his dish could stampede.

Meanwhile, Alvin’s banana is cooked and no one really knows if this is good or not.

Andy walks up to Billie and tells her that her vol-au-vent has to be the best vol-au-vent she’s had this year…because she hasn’t had a vol-au-vent this year! Production stalls for a few hours as everyone rolls around on the floor and laughs uncontrollably at Andy’s unparalleled form with a zinger. Andy then walks up to Julie, who threatens to spank him. Things are really getting red hot in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, “I have no idea what Sarah’s doing,” says Dan, finally catching up with everyone else from the beginning of the series. He, too, isn’t sure if his steak will have time to rest, which is a problem because he has complained of a groin strain. Also the onions from him are not good. Long story short: Dan’s whole life is falling apart.

With three minutes to go, Julie’s ravioli is ready and sprinkled, which I never knew you had to do with ravioli. Even better, her sauce tastes like shrimp. Even better than that, she wants it to taste like shrimp. Elsewhere, Sarah is happy with her final dish even though no matter which way you look at it, she has asparagus. Keyma is very confident. “I think I can beat Alvin!” she explains herself, bursting out laughing because she’s going to give an interview after the cook and she already knows what happened.

Time is up and the food must be eaten by the rapacious beasts we call judges. The first two dishes tried are the pink aprons, also known as Dan and Sarah. Dan has cooked a large piece of meat with pieces of asparagus on top. Sarah has made asparagus tips lined up and set in brown material. Dan’s steak is inconsistent due to poor hibachi technique and has broken Andy’s heart. Sarah’s plate is basically fine, which is enough because Dan’s sucks. “I feel bad,” Sarah says, as would anyone who has just slapped an innocent young firefighter in public.

Next, the red aprons AKA Keyma and Alvin. Keyma has made banana slabs with red and yellow things scattered on top. Alvin has made “banana abacus beads,” which are… like… little wet balls… or something like that… uh… yeah. Keyma’s plate is a good thing, but Alvin’s is really good. “It was damn delicious,” says Melissa, shocking everyone with her rampant smut.

Finally, the yellow aprons: Julie and Billie, our gentle queens. Billie’s shrimp vol-au-vents versus Julie’s shrimp ravioli. “Julie, you were worried about your pasta,” Jock says, “but you didn’t have to worry, because honestly it’s just pasta, get some perspective.” And while in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter, pasta is good. The vol-au-vents are not good: the dough, according to Melissa, “was lacking in tenderness.” What this means we’ll never know, but it’s definitely not a good thing.

And so, at tomorrow’s immunity challenge go Sarah, Alvin and Julie, the trio already being dubbed “The Three Rockets” by the greater Australian public. Tune in tomorrow when the essential meal unit takes place.

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